I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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