So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
dude. I can hear the air.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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