So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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