i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
