drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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