my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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