Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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