Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize