btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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