woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I need moral support for this bender
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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