I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize