Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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