As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
