Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
