I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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