Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
