I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
