I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize