9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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