By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
