saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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