You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
