If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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