She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
