I showed him my bush... on skype.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize