I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
