am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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