I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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