So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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