I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
