This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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