hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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