I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
