i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
