she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
