she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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