She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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