ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
