i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
