so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
