Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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