allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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