Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
