Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
