I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
