Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
