i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize