So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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