I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
