So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
