Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
