I'm jealous of your bromance
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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