Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You took a bar mat shot.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
