i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize